PALTROW STEAM YOUR VAGINA, STOP GIVING GROOMING AND COOKING TIPS

From the Right-Side...

It is fairly well documented (I read a lot of blogs) that Oscar winner, Gwyneth Paltrow is an insufferable and vapid brat (sorry, Blythe, I do love you).

This is how I steam. Clothes only!

She acts, sings, blogs (Goop), writes, cooks (let's not forget her special pizza oven)...on and on. People toss out the word nepotism, but I have given her a pass (again, all about Blythe). Even when she droned on in a video about the proper way to make a bed, I smiled and thought it amusing and needless.

But, she has taken her celebrity shenanigans too far, and her hall pass has been revoked.

First, she admitted her dinner guests got sick and vomited from her eggplant dish. This is the cookbook and cooking tips queen we are talking about.

Undaunted by that disaster, she is now publicly proclaiming the virtues of vaginal steaming.  I get that facial and body steaming is just nice as can be. I get that steaming my wrinkly clothes is ginger-peachy. But, when I accidentally steam my hand and fingers, it is not pleasant. HURTS like hell. Steam is HOT, GP, and I don't like pain.

Don't get me wrong, if it feels good, Goop-Girl, do it. However, caution should be taken when advising others to do same without seeking the opinions of the pros. No, not the spa-spazzes. Doctors, you know the ones who actually know about vaginas.

By-the-way, a couple  of OB/GYN types chimed in and put a giant X on that vagina steaming throne GP sits her bits on.

Why can't people just do what they do best and leave it at that?

Jenny McCarthy and Gwyneth, we're all looking at both of you!

Gotta dash... 

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From the Left-Side: I know about steamed clams, and steamed shrimp ... steamed veggies ... and steamed clothes. But steamed Nether Regions? I have to DASH on that one... and fast!

JEANS HAVE GOTTEN COMPLEX

From the Right-Side...

Living in South Florida the wearing of jeans is tricky.

My jean collection knows I don't know.

Tricky in the sense that the weather shouts for white capri pants, white shorts or long white cotton skirts. Denim is worn mostly when a cool front (50 degrees) rips through the palm trees.

Even so, jeans intrigue me and I find them comforting on some strange level. Shopping for and purchasing them makes my head spin.

Here's the rub.

Jeans are no longer simply denim, zippers and rivets.

The racks are jammed with all types of brands, prices and definitions. Little tags are attached to guide and tell us this or that about a particular type. Options are vast and range from skinny, stretchy, angel cigarette, angel flare, powerstretch, ultimate skinny and on to infinity.  Pawing through them makes the head reel.

For example, what does skinny curvy mean? Sounds like a contradiction, but my recently purchased Calvin Klein jeans has this term right there inside the waistband.

Don't get me wrong. They fit just fine and are quite comfy. I just don't understand the labeling.

Michael Kors, on the other hand, gives us credit for understanding our jeans. Hence, his jeans have his name and not much more.

Because CK did provide a definition, I sort of want MK to do the same.

How am I to know how to feel about my jeans?

How will I know if they are skinny, curvy, skinny curvy or not skinny or curvy?

Mostly, I wear shorts, which takes the pressure off understanding the intricate details of my denim choices. What a relief.

I remember when all you had to do was slid into your size and get your groove on.

Gotta dash...

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From the Left-Side: One word: Levis.

POLO IN FLORIDA IS FUN AND FABULOUS

From the Right-Side...

Polo, the sport involving horses and ladies wearing hats, is in full-swing in South Florida.

Polo in Wellington, Florida.

Personally, my knowledge of the sport is somewhat limited, but I have no worries about all the rules and regulations.

All I really need to know is that Wellington, Florida, in the winter is the perfect place for such an outing.

Here is what you do need to know:

*Find a way to nab a spot at one of the many tents. It is the best way to view all the action.

As close as we will ever get to a Bentley.

You will need connections for this, but it can be done.

*Arrive at the Polo Grounds early as traffic and parking can be jammed.

*Dress as dressy as you wish, you will fit right in.

*Lovely hats are not a must, but why not?

*Do consider comfy shoes. I opted for dressy sandals by Ralph Lauren and the Left-Side went with the POLO canvas style. You may have to walk and your feet with thank you.

Comfy shoes are a must.

*If you are fortunate enough, your host will serve lovely champagne and delicious food. Ours did.

Shoes help us get into the spirit.

*You meet some fascinating people, so don't be afraid to strike up a little chat.

*You get to see cool things like Bentley convertibles.

*Watching the horses and riders, even if you are iffy on the rules, is absolutely delightful.

*Divot stomping is a time-honored tradition and the Left-Side always manages to nab a special promotional something the event folks toss into the crowd. It is only fair, after all the divot stomping.

Polo is new to us, but we are willing to trot (see what I did) out there and learn a new sport. Drinking champagne helps me learn!

Gotta dash...

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LOOK UP, MOHAWK AND THE BEACH

From the Right-Side...

January in South Florida just gives and gives.

We are at the eve of the weekend, and looking at palm trees and clear blue skies just never gets old. However, all around us there is so much more.

South Florida just gives and gives.

The great beaches, weather, sunsets, part-time residents and crowded highways and bi-ways all scream sub-tropics.

You never know what you will see or hear as you go about your business. It can be crazy and, in other words, we love it.

Take the faux-Mohawk, scooter riding, texting machine I spied at a stop light...perfection.

Take a cue from the Left-Side and look up, look down, look all around and let it all soak in...no matter where you are.

Cheers, people!

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SKYMALL HAS LEFT THE AIRPLANE

From the Right-Side...

As if I needed another reason to loathe all things airlines, the fact that my sacred on-board pleasure...shopping via Skymall...has gone belly-up is the final straw.

The sky will never be the same.

They have some nerve filing for bankruptcy.  What in the name of stale peanuts is this world coming to?

The sky has gotten darker today!

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Tsk, tsk. You mean no more buying of watches while an unsuspecting mate is trying to catch a few winks on an overseas flight? Rest in peace, SkyMall! -- The Left-Side.

THE AMERICANIZATION OF THE BRITISH CHEESE AND PICKLE SANDWICH

From the Right-Side...

A cheese and pickle sandwich by any other name, is still a cheese and pickle sandwich. But, is it?

The Americanization of the cheese and pickle sandwich.

British food does not exactly have the reputation for being exotic.  Aside from the traditional breakfast, which I greatly enjoy, it seems sort of basic. But, watching a BBC show called, As Time Goes By, my interest in the cuisine across the pond has been genuinely  piqued.

Two particular items keep popping into the scenes and I had to know more about Custard Tarts, and cheese and pickle sandwiches.

Grilled pickle and cheese sandwich.

So, without a hint of research, I made a cheese and pickle sandwich. I decided to take a stab at it with American cheese and Wickles relish. What do I know?

Afterwards, I looked up the proper way to make it according to the Brits. Yeah, I did not do it right. Wrong cheese and wrong pickled cucumbers.

First, it is a must to use something called Branston Pickles, which have been gracing bread and cheese since 1922.

Second, you use Cheddar Cheese.

Third, there was no mention of grilling, which I did.

Fourth, until I can secure some Branston Pickles, my American version of a cheese and pickles sandwich will do just fine.

My next mission?

Tackle those Custard Tarts, with a recipe in hand. The results should be amusing, if not successful.

Gotta dash...

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When it comes to pickles, Right-Side is quite the connoisseur. But I have to interject (that's the Left-Side's job description, right??) on this topic. Seriously? Before we go shopping in Jolly Old England, how about trying one of those sandwiches made with some good old, 100% American, Tony Packo pickles?  When we lived in the mid-West (?), we made several pilgrimages to Packo World Headquarters in Toledo, just to get the pickles. I bet they are every bit as good as that uppity Branston brand. 

Now that we have that out of the way, let me know when you need someone to sample those tarts.

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IMITATION GAME, EQUALITY AND THE SUPREME COURT OF 2015

From the Right-Side...

The Left-Side and I sauntered to the movie theater yesterday to catch Benedict Cumberbatch and Keira Knightley in The Imitation Game.


Alan Turing, code-breaking genius.

How the Enigma Code was broken fascinates me, but I knew little of Alan Turing. I am a nerd, just not a computer one.

Considered by many as the father of computers, he was a troubled, mathematical genius with a secret beyond the Germans.

How little I really knew, so, roll the film...

First, Keira Knightley was understated, yet gave depth of character to Joan Clarke. At a time when most working women made coffee, worked a switchboard, or took dictation, Clarke carved a niche for herself in a world of war and men.

Previously, not a Cumberbatch fan, I left the theater knowing I had underrated  the actor. He was brilliant and heartbreaking as Turing.

By the conclusion of the film, I was filled with tremendous respect for his talent and deep sadness and outrage for the suffering and personal cruelty the real Turing experienced until his suicide in 1954.

A man who helped break the Enigma Code, saved countless lives, cut a war short by several years, was not honored during his lifetime,  but tormented for his sexual preference. Gay was illegal in Great Britain, and he paid the price.

Leaving the theater, my mood was dark, and I needed to vent to the Left-Side.

Opting for fish and chips (a hat tip to Great Britain) at our al fresco, post-movie late lunch, I gazed at the gorgeous South Florida afternoon and reflected.

This blog post is not about my personal opinions on war and social injustice of the past and present. However, equality and personal freedom is not taken lightly by me, and should be of great importance to each human on this plant.

As the Supreme Court is about to take a look at equality for all in this country, it was not lost on me that in many ways we have come far from the angst-driven genius that was part of this film. Yet, have we?

Supreme judges, it is in your hands.

Justice is what you are all about, so don't imitate past injustice...make it right!

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LAZY LOGGERHEAD CAFE IS CHILL NEAR THE BEACH

From the Right-Side...

On a random Tuesday, it was time for a girls lunch near the beach in Jupiter, Florida, and my personal opinion of the experience! I claim no professional foodie credentials.

The food arrived promptly.

Her expression says they do not have a kids menu.

So, I grabbed two random girls (one being two-years-old) and we had lunch near the beach in Jupiter, Florida.

Longing to be chill (in the non-literal sense), we opted for a place called, Duke's Lazy Loggerhead Cafe in Carlin Park on the Atlantic.

To say the exterior is nondescript is an understatement. It has a door, windows and is a faded shade of blue (guess they were linking into the whole ocean thing).

Going for it, we stepped inside and found it was small, busy, noisy and even more nondescript. The 'greeter' asked how many and said there was a table around the corner.

There was no turning back, so went around the corner and seated ourselves in a corner by the door to the small outdoor patio area.

Through nearby foliage we could glimpse the vivid ocean blue, and we settled in to peruse the menu. Drink orders were efficiently taken, served and food orders quickly followed.

The tables were filled with an assortment of types. Swimsuits, shorts, capri pants and so on. Casual, but not all beach-goers.

Our food, tuna sandwich and fries for me, Dolphin sandwich for one of my girls and a grilled cheese for the other.

The food was fresh and quite good. We enjoyed it and will return.

My only complaint? No, kids menu.

After lunch, it is a quick walk to a gorgeous beach filled with another assortment of types. We chilled, took photos and got sand everywhere.

A good time was had by all at Duke's Lazy Loggerhead, and I want to take the Left-Side back to sample breakfast.

Gotta dash...

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From the Left-Side: Breakfast, you say? You know you won't have to twist my arm. We love finding new places to dine, and the Breakfast Safari has become a mainstay in the Clash 'n Dash household. While we don't claim to be food critics in the same league as those at one of those hoity-toity publications, we do know what we like. And we aren't fussy about fancy. Have you ever tried the fried bologna sandwich at the G&R Tavern in Waldo, Ohio? You should. It's worth the trip.

KATHY GRIFFIN IS PART OF THE POLICE

From the Right-Side...

E! has shown us how life and policing fashion goes on.

Let us take a moment to honor the memory of Joan Rivers and her contributions to the world of entertainment.

Kathy Griffin policing the Golden Globes fashions.

Now, can we talk (see what I did?) about Kathy Griffin and her debut as the newest panel member of Fashion Police?

Reluctantly, I viewed the show as they reviewed all things Golden Globes fashion.

As a hardcore, non-fan of KG, I am not ashamed to admit that she wasn't...bad.

It was her first episode, and her acid tongue was on chill mode. However, I fear she will take caustic to the highest level possible in the future. Kathy is typically harsh and unkind. Joan was harsh, with a genuine undertone of fun and kindness, and that is the difference.

I am definitely not a faithful watcher of E! (and never will be until they dump the K-Klan), so I don't know how often I will tune in to check Kathy's fit.

For today, she looked stylish, was funny and under control. Of course, there will never be another Joan Rivers, there is no getting around it.

Personally, I think they should mix up the panel across the board, except for Brad!

Gotta dash...

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GOLDEN GLOBES 2015, ONLY THE CHAMPAGNE FIZZED

From the Right-Side...

The Hollywood Foreign Press (who are they, exactly?) has spoken, for the 72nd time. Their little globes, shimmering all golden, have been tossed into the hands of celebrities for doing their job. Isn't that grand?

Were you even watching or listening?

More importantly, what and who were you wearing?



Veronica Lake you sold it so well.

Your dress, your jewels, your shoes, your manicure...were you worthy to be watching a bunch of egos strut and stroll the red-ish carpet?

Around our dive, football blared from one screen, the pre, pre, pre, pre-Red Carpet buzzed from one and kiddie shows screeched from my iPad for a certain blue-eyed toddler.

Watching the show created even more questions than it answered.

Why does Kelly Osbourne still have lavender hair? How can people with such entitled lives appear to be so boorish (Liev Schreiber)? What are people thinking when they wrap themselves in print fabric to be viewed by millions?

Even with champagne, the shindig was just mildly entertaining.

At the end of the semi-glam feast, I could not help but reflect back to classic films and iconic stars.

Of course they were shady and shifty as hell in all probability, yet when they presented themselves to the adoring public, they pulled out all the stops and sold the glitz and glam for all it was worth.

So, thank you Turner Classic Movies,  for keeping the illusion alive. Old Hollywood you are dreamy.

There is no illusion left in Hollywood. Even smoke, mirrors and rear-screen projection can't infuse mystique into the current lot of celluloid images.

Oscars, it's your move!

Gotta dash...

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From the Left-Side: Got to say, RS, you are right-on talking about the death of Hollywood mystique. It's life imitating art -- like Dorothy, we are depressed to find out the Great Oz is only a man with a megaphone. 

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DOGGING ON SEASON FIVE OF DOWNTON ABBEY

From the Right-Side...

Downton Abbey has made its fifth season debut in the United States and from where I sit on a velvet and fringe pillow in the Peanut Gallery, here are my thoughts along with free clip art (because paying for photos is not happening) of a castle...

Not Downton Abbey.

*When I get an email from Bed, Bath & Beyond hawking Downton Abbey jewelry, linens and tea what-have-you, the luster is dimming.

*Lady Edith needs a happiness break, for the love of bangers! My suggestion? Hook her up with that sad and lonely, Doctor Clarkson. Two hearts, one stone...bada-bang, bada-boom!

*Carson needs to hire a footman who is even more shady than Thomas, just to take the pressure off.  Even a shiftless cad can not be expected to be the main source of villainy every season.

*The Lord of the manor needs to grow a pair and not care if the township wants him involved in the war memorial.

*Cora needs to be coached in interrogating skills. She let Baxter off the hook way too quickly. However, she did leave the pendulum of possible doom swinging over Baxter's head, so she gets points for that.

*Lady Mary needs to be taken down a notch or two. She is just way too confident and smug. We all know ladies in 1924 could never have gotten away with such shenanigans. Slap a knitting needle in her hand, immediately.

*Bates and Anna need to be hoisted onto the happy train with Edith and the Doc. Bloody-hell, can't someone else engage in criminal acts for a change? Please.

*Daisy needs to accept she is the hired help and forget all this education nonsense. I think we all know what happens when ladies learn reading and math!

*The Dowager is up to her old tricks with Isobel, and we expect nothing less. Team Violet!

*Someone please introduce the notion of lipstick to Mrs. Hughes. She could use a little color after all these seasons of working in the underbelly of the Abbey!

*I can't even discuss the dog, Isis, sleeping by the fire, but I will stay immersed into the posh world that is, Downton Abbey!

Gotta dash...

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True confession time. Yes, I am myself a Downtonite. Right-Side got me hooked. But for me it's not about the clothes, or the jewels, or the travails of poor, lovelorn Edith, or Daisy's dreams of escape, or the Lord of the Manor trying to find someone to lord over or any of those crazy upstairs shenanigans. No, I'm all about the yummy kitchen creations Mrs. Patmore whips up. Bring on the food, I say! (You wouldn't understand -- it's a Taurus thing.)

So I'm not ready to dog on Season 5 yet. But ... if Mrs. Patmore leaves, I'm outta here. -- Left-Side

FACEBOOK KEEPS HIGH SCHOOL CLIQUES ALIVE

From the Right-Side...

I freely admit I harbor a love-loathe relationship with Facebook.

High School inside our Facebook world.

Under various email accounts through the years, I have activated and deactivated a plethora of Facebook meanderings. MySpace bombed and I went along with the crowd, grumbling.

The constant in this vast wasteland is the friending aspect. Who to friend and why?

Amidst all the spam friend requests from questionable accounts and weird homelands, here is how it happens. You friend or get friended by someone from your present, past, or your WAY past. You see others you knew, and like the Hokey-Pokey, that's what it's all about. A friending whirlpool.

Happily, I have connected with some fascinating people.

Of more interest in many ways...the faces from those high school cliques who shared the hallways and bad fashion choices.

I can not, in all honesty, call them friends, because they were not, for the most part. Even the few who landed in the friend column at the time, were not, in actuality. There are a few exceptions.

My personal observation in all this social media friending frenzy from ancient history is how people seem to fall back into the same circles.

In researching for this post, I clicked through and scanned friends and friends of friends of those who shared the commencement stage with me.

There they were, friends with the same old chums. Cliques are solid, and that should give us comfort in this unstable world.

I would start a clique with my dog, but I don't think she would even friend me on Facebook. She tolerates me for food and treats, not my social skills.

Oh, I even sent a few friend requests (had to explain who I was...name, time, hair color and faces march on) as a test. Silence.

What a relief. Those who didn't associate with me then, hold to their standards.

Fascinating and amusing project for me, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Facebook has given us games, news, and the ability to live the days of past glory...indefinitely.

If your glory happened post-high school, congratulations. That is called real life, and I am very, very good with that arrangement.

But, now I am thinking I could probably have been in a high school clique...if only I had given out jerky treats as I strolled the smelly hallways.

Gotta dash...

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From the Left-Side...

You bring up a lot of good points, R-S. I remember early on one of the running jokes was, "On the Internet, no one knows you are a dog." Thanks to all the social media out there, they not only know you are a dog but also have probably done a background check on you as well.

Facebook is kind of like the high school reunion that never stops. And as much as I enjoyed (for the most part) that time in my life, I was happy to move on and declare "been there, done that, got the diploma."

And to your point, let's be careful how we use the word "friend." In the majority of cases, a more accurate way to say it would be, "I'm going to acquaintance you." Let's face it, very few people in this life actually rise to my definition of "friend." And that's OK. As they say, a friend is the family you choose for yourself. Those people are special, and hold a special place.

If they, we, I choose to share that special-ness on Facebook, I've got no problem with that. But for me, what we see on social media is just the tiny, tiny tip of the friendship iceberg. Best to keep it in perspective.

Back to you, R-S. -- The Left-Side.

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EARBUDS, TINY EARS AND QUESTIONABLE BRAIN SIZE

From the Right-Side...

You know how you can buy clothes that say, One Size Fits Most?

Yeah, that never works out that well in real life.

One size does not fit most.

Same thing with ears, if you think about it.

I do think about it because my ears are pretty small, which also makes me wonder if there is any correlation between ear size and brain size.

Don't scoff, and pretend as though you have not heard the old-wives-tale (but, is it?) about the size of men's feet. Uh-huh.

But, back to my ears and my little problem with earbuds (when did we officially stop calling them headphones?).

They do make a variety of shapes and colors, which should make me happy. The colors do, the shapes leave me wondering if I am the only one with this little situation.

No matter the shape, after a few minutes they shift, hang precariously to the ear and then unceremoniously drop to my knees.

If I were inventive (never), I would figure out a way to pull these things apart and rig them into the perfect shape for my tiny ears.

On the other hand, I'm thinking a little duct tape could not hurt. It works for everything, right?

I think I just answered my own question about the size of the brain in relation to the ears.

Gotta dash...

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You realize, Right-Side, there is a solution to the small ears problem. You simply have to go retro. Remember when I was reviewing music ... the headphones I used? If you don't, here's a pix to refresh your memory:

A little bulky, but they don't fall out!!

Cheers and you're welcome -- Left-Side.